This entailed Chris depositing his semen into a glass and handing it off to Mitch, who would then insert it into my body with a small glass syringe. Our plan consisted of do-it-yourself style inseminations at home. We agreed to some important fundamentals: Mitch would be the child’s only father, and Chris would have neither financial obligations nor input in parental decisions, but he would be a part of the child’s life, including, but not limited to, the very important first trip to Disney World.
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We discussed our individual expectations of what this relationship would look like. So, the next time Chris was in town, I officially asked him to be our donor. The idea that someone else could be viewed as more our child’s father than him, just because they were born with sperm, felt like a painful reminder that no matter what Mitch did, he would never be “male enough.” But he also felt strongly about our child being able to know the person who genetically contributed to their making, and didn’t want to take away that experience because of his own fear.Įventually Mitch agreed that using Chris’ sperm was the right thing for us. But not being able to genetically father our child was a profound loss for Mitch. While some transgender men carry babies themselves or donate eggs for a partner to carry, this wasn’t something either of us wanted. On principal, Mitch loved the idea of a known donor, but it wasn’t without emotional land mines. But, of course, the decision wasn’t mine alone. Chris and I had met 10 years earlier in Texas, before either of us had met our respective husbands, and had bandied around the idea of him helping me get pregnant when the time was right, joking about the beautiful, smart, ginger baby we’d make. I was not only set on using a known donor, but I had one in mind, my good friend Chris. The two primary ways to obtain sperm are purchasing it from a sperm bank or getting it from a known donor-a man who donates sperm for free, either someone you already know, or meet through a search process. We honeymooned in Greece, and started talking about having a baby. While gay marriage wasn’t yet passed in New York, let alone nationwide, we were able to have a legal ceremony because he was now legally male. Two months after that, he proposed.īy the following summer, we were married in front of family and friends. But the pull to be together was stronger than any of the obstacles, and within four months he applied to and was accepted to graduate school in New York, moved in with me and had gender reassignment surgery.